THE CONSEQUENCES OF SHYNESS

“The shy man does have some slight revenge upon society for the torture
it inflicts upon him. He is able, to a certain extent, to communicate his misery. He
frightens other people as much as they frighten him. He acts like a damper upon
the whole room, and the most jovial spirits become, in his presence, depressed
and nervous.” - Jerome K. Jerome

For the non-shy person, functioning in the normal world can be difficult,
but they can still get out and about, socialize, meet people, work, and have a life.
For the shy person, however, it’s more than difficult; it’s energy sapping, mind
numbing, and nerve wracking on a daily basis. Just getting through an average
day is enough to leave them exhausted and trembling.

Shy people date a lot less than the non-shy, and have fewer friends. They
are less expressive and verbal; in fact, the less they have to speak, the better
they like it. Even a simple conversation creates quite a problem, as you might
imagine for the shy person. They’re so busy wondering what the other person is
thinking of them, that they fail to concentrate on the conversation itself. They are
in fact, so busy living in their own heads, trying to be perfect, that they don’t learn
to express themselves very well. Shy people are self-conscious, sometimes
painfully so, and that gets in the way of every interaction in their lives.

Shy individuals have a bad self-image and report more negative thoughts
on a daily basis than the non-shy person. Interacting is so difficult and painful for
them, that they tend to avoid any and all social occasions. Unfortunately, that
means they are lacking in social skills as well. Social skills are a learned thing
and need to be practiced. The more they see themselves as awkward, socially
inhibited, unfriendly and even incompetent, the less they want to socialize, the
more they avoid any and all social occasions.

Fear of interacting with the opposite sex keeps many shy people from
dating. They may see themselves as unattractive and awkward; after all, they
don’t even know how to talk to the opposite sex. They make up their minds that
they’re unwanted, undesirable, maybe even unlovable. They expect rejection,
and will take themselves out of the game before the supposed rejection can take
place.

Anticipating rejection brings about the self-fulfilling prophecy. They expect
to be rejected and when no one asks them out, they figure they were right in the
first place and that it’s just not worth all the effort. The more failure they
experience, the less they try, until they are in total seclusion. And all because of
what they feared might happen.

Perceived threat is what keeps most shy people out of the running
altogether. They become overly sensitive to what others are thinking or saying,
and underestimate their own ability to cope with a given social situation. They do,
in fact, handicap themselves before anyone has said a word. Then they begin to
use their shyness as a crutch and an excuse to avoid further socializing. In an
effort to avoid pain and rejection, they take themselves off the market.

While shy people are seen as less friendly and less assertive than others,
they really are not seen as negatively as they fear they are. Unfortunately, they
do seem to remember the negative feedback longer than the non-shy. They are
more anxious about creating good impressions and more fearful of any
anticipated rejection.

The Shy Student

In the case of the shy student, because they are so fearful, they miss out
on opportunities to further their studies. They fear speaking out in class; even
interacting with other students is painful and uncomfortable for them. The shy are
less likely to make use of good resources, information, and guidance in their
career planning. Without assertive behavior in simple things like job interviews,
they come off as less than desirable candidates for the job. This sets up more
rejection and failure issues in the shy person’s mind.

Misuse of Alcohol

One of the most serious consequences of being shy is the misuse of
alcohol, in a misguided attempt to appear more normal in social situations. Some
shy people use alcohol to make themselves seem more open, friendly, and
uninhibited. This can backfire horribly and leave them feeling even worse than
before, and get them into serious trouble. Add to that the guilt they feel for having
used something artificial to gain acceptance, and knowing they’re not themselves
at all.

Health Issues

Another fairly serious consequence to shyness is a greater health risk,
due to a lack of emotional support, usually found in good friends and family. The
inability to discuss health problems with one’s doctor also presents a possible
risk. Doctors can’t help if they don’t know the problems. Shy people also have a
harder time obtaining a better job to help pay for quality health care. Not being
able to communicate with the potential employer keeps shy people from
advancing.

Chronic shyness can keep shy individuals from getting those great jobs,
earning those big raises, advancing as they should for a good future. If they have
a family to support, this creates a great deal of tension and guilt. They want the
best for their family and feel incapable of providing what’s needed. Their shyness
is impeding their progress and has become a serious handicap.

This impacts their current relationships and possible future relationships. It
can even shorten their own lifespan. As stated before, no man (or woman) is an
island. Interaction with other human beings is essential for their well-being, not
only physically, but mentally and emotionally as well.

According to UCLA scientists, how you react to stress indicates how easily
you will either resist or succumb to disease, including serious viruses like HIV.
These scientists discovered that the way the immune system works makes shy
people more susceptible to infection than their more outgoing counterparts.

Actually, this is not new. Steve Cole, the principal investigator and
assistant professor of hematology-oncology at the David Geffen School of
Medicine and member of the UCLA AIDS Institute tells us, “Since ancient
Greece, physicians noted that the melancholic temperament are more vulnerable
to viral infections.” Simply put, the body’s defense mechanisms are impacted by
personality, odd as that sounds.

Shyness can cause you to avoid interaction with authority figures. This
can be your boss, one of your professors in school, your doctor, the police;
anyone with whom you have to deal that wields some kind of power over you, in
one form or another. It can be very intimidating.

Public speaking is probably something you want to avoid at all costs; the
very idea of standing up in front of even a small group of people has you frozen
with fear. Trouble is it may become necessary at one point or another, so you
have to find a way to deal with it. Your success may depend upon it.

Sometimes, the simple act of phoning someone you don’t know absolutely
terrifies you. You have no idea what to say or how to get across the message
you have. In today’s world, it’s impossible to live a normal life without using a
telephone at one point or another.

As a human being, in this world today, finding work is necessary for your
future success, as well as your continued existence. Everyone needs work of
some sort, it’s unavoidable. And dealing with other people is part of that;
interaction is an absolute essential ingredient in our lives. That brings us to the
inevitable job interview. While it’s fairly nerve wracking to almost anyone looking
for a job, for shy people it’s a brick wall. It’s an action so terrifying, they will do
anything to avoid it; but they can do that for just so long. Eventually, we all have
to sit in that interviewee seat and figure out what to say, how to say it, and what
not to say, to make that person on the other side of the desk decide to take a
chance on us.

According to Dr. Jonathan Cheek, “Underemployment-being stuck in a job
that requires less skill or training than you possess-uneasy work relationships
and slower advancement mark the careers of shy people.” He also points out that
the more shy a person is, the less prestigious his last job title tends to be.
“Almost every lucrative career requires solid communication skills, an assertive
personality, and an astute sense of office politics.”

Friendships

Shy people have friends, usually a smaller circle than their non-shy
counterparts, but they are capable of making friends. These are people who are
perhaps more patient with shy types, more forgiving and tolerant. They
understand the needs of shy individuals and help accommodate those needs.

One of the traits of chronically shy people is that they need safe situations
and people they feel comfortable with and know extremely well. If one of those
safe friends moves away, shy people can feel they’ve been left high and dry.
There’s also the panicky feeling of knowing they need to get out and meet new
people. They understand the need to interact with others, but it’s so intimidating
and frightening.

Without the necessary skills, all these things seem impossible to deal with,
but as human beings on this planet, learning all we can about dealing with our
shyness is essential to our continued well-being, as well as our future success,
both personally and professionally.

Being shy is not bad in itself, except where it keeps you from meeting
those people you want or doing the things you desire. When it starts to interfere
with day-to-day living, it’s time to do something about it. Shyness is not horrible.
It’s the labels that shy people attach to themselves; or worse, it’s the labels
attached to them by others. Being thought of as humorless, or snobbish, or
worse yet, boring, is very damaging to one’s self-esteem.

Society as a whole is not going to change to meet your needs, so you
have to do the changing. More about that in another chapter.