HOW TO BE A GOOD CONVERSATIONALIST

“Good conversation is what makes us interesting. After all, we spend a
great deal of our time talking and a great deal of our time listening. Why be
bored, why be boring, when you don’t have to be either?” - Edwin Newman

Absolutely everyone has to communicate all the time. There’s no way to
avoid it forever. No matter what walk of life you find yourself in, talking to other
people is a necessity.

In order to succeed in business and in interpersonal relationships, you
must be able to speak with others. Some have no trouble giving presentations at
work, yet have great difficulty making small talk at parties. Different situations
require different reactions; this is what keeps the shy person out of the game.

In order to get what you want and need in life, in order to negotiate for
your benefit or that of others, it’s essential that you be able to communicate, to
connect with the world.

Body Language

The first step in this essential communications is your body language. A
smile is the opening salvo in this battle to communicate with the world. A smile
says, “I’m friendly and I’d love to talk with you.” Add to that friendly smile, a
“hello” and you have the perfect conversation opener. Couple the smile and the
hello with a firm handshake and you now have a perfect icebreaker.

Now your stance says a lot about you too. An open stance (arms to your
sides) indicates a readiness to communicate. Standing with your arms folded
says, “I’m not open to talk, leave me alone.”

Leaning forward slightly, when listening to others speak, shows you’re
interested in them and in what they are saying. This will make others more
comfortable and inclined to talk with you. Leaning away from the speaker
indicates a desire to escape, that you’re basically disinterested in what he has to
say.

Of course, be certain you make eye contact. Refusing to look someone in
the eye makes you appear disinterested, or even suspiciously sneaky, as if
you’re up to something. It’s okay to glance away occasionally while your mind is
formulating a reply to a question posed. But be careful not to just stare
unblinkingly at the person. That will only make them uncomfortable and want to
flee. A fixed stare can make you appear aggressive and challenging and could
result in a defensive reaction.

A simple nod of your head while the other person is speaking sends a
positive signal too. It says, “I’m listening and I’m interested, please continue.”

Your tone of voice carries a lot of weight too. A friendly tone and the right
words will create an impression of friendly openness, a willingness to
communicate.

Keep in mind the words of Emily Post who cautions, “Ideal conversation
must be an exchange of thought, and not, as many of those who worry most
about their shortcomings believe, an eloquent exhibition of wit or oratory.” Those
who try too hard to be witty or eloquent frequently find themselves alone at
parties for no one can bear an obnoxious person for very long.

How to Start a Conversation

Did you know you only have about five seconds to make a first
impression? That’s how long it takes to introduce yourself and catch the other
person’s name. And whatever you do, try and catch that name and then use it
right away. Dale Carnegie said, “The sweetest sound in any language is a
person’s name.

The number one reason we forget a person’s name seconds after we’ve
been introduced is because we weren’t focusing on that moment. We’re too busy
trying to figure out what to say next or even worrying about what they’ll think of
us.

As soon as you gain their name, use it immediately. “It’s so nice to meet
you, John.” You can introduce John to a third party. Try to connect the name to
something you’ll remember later to further imbed the name into your
consciousness. Be sure to use his name again when you say goodbye.

To be an excellent conversationalist, you must look outside yourself and
focus on the people around you and the events in motion. If all you can think of is
whether they like you, what they think of you, and whether they are judging you
and your actions, it’s guaranteed to make you feel self-conscious. It’s better to
look outward and become attuned to what’s going on around you. This will
enlarge your available topic repertoire as well.

Starting a conversation needn’t be terrifying or mind boggling. Try these
simple steps to get a conversation going:

• Take the risk and be the first to say hello and introduce yourself. Just take
a deep breath and plunge right in. It may seem scary at first, but when you
take the chance, you could meet some fascinating people.

• Ask the other person an easy to answer kind of question. You could start
with the occasion that finds the two of you in the same place. If it’s a party,
you probably both know the host or hostess. If it’s a charity event, that’s
the perfect opener; talk about the charity. Obviously you’re both there for
the same cause, it’s an immediate bond.

• Listen carefully to the information being offered freely as they answer your
question. Unless you’ve asked a yes or no question (more about that
later), they’ll have to offer more of an answer and if you listen carefully,
you’ll pick up on something you both have in common.

• Ask some more questions based on what they’ve already revealed. It’s
called small talk, but it’s an important beginning.

• Reveal some information of your own. You may discover some topics in
common, giving you even more to talk about. Just remember not to babble
on at this point. Let them do the talking, asking pertinent questions or
making comments here and there.

• Pay them a compliment, followed by a question. “I love your boots. Where
did you find them?” A cardinal rule here though, is never ask them how
much they paid, that’s considered rude. Admiration can start a great
conversation, but keep it genuine. Insincerity can be spotted a mile away.

• Try a light-hearted observation about the event you’re both attending or
the setting. Never make anyone the butt of a joke; again, that would be
rude

Shy people often take a back seat when it comes to starting a
conversation, allowing themselves to step into the more passive role; but
initiating a conversation needn’t be intimidating. Try making a mental list of
comments and questions ahead of time to give you a head start. Being prepared
ahead of time will give you the self-confidence you need to make the first
conversational move, at whatever event you find yourself.

Practice, practice, practice, starting conversations. The more rehearsal
you get, the better responses you’ll get.

Learn the difference between open-ended and closed-ended questions. A
closed-ended question will illicit a yes or no, or other very short answer. An openended question asks the person for a more detailed answer and actually
encourages them to talk.

Some examples would be:

Closed-ended

“So, where are you from?”-This will illicit very little response.

Open-ended

“What brings you to our little town?”-This gives them a chance to open up
and tell you more about themselves.

Closed-ended

“What do you do for a living?”-Again, you’ll most likely get a short
response to this question.

Open-ended

“What made you choose that as your career?-Here again, you’ve given
them a chance to open up and divulge more about themselves.

Small talk is often very difficult for the shy person, but it can often lead to
more interesting topics and a lot of common ground. Once the conversational ball
is rolling along, it gets easier; there’s more give and take.

Also difficult for intensely shy people is active listening. For the most part,
while others are speaking, shy people are trying to think what they’d like to say
next. They’re also wondering what the other person is thinking of them, if they’re
making a good impression or worrying that they aren’t. If you’ve asked a
question, it’s important that you actually listen to the response. Active listening
helps tremendously with the conversation. Failure to focus on what they’re saying
can cause your mind to wander. By listening carefully, the other person provides
you with information to keep that conversational ball rolling.

Rather than worry what they’ll think about you, keep the words of Judith
Martin (Miss Manners) in mind. “Most people are too conscious of their own
problems in the matter to hold yours against you. Even if they wanted to give you
a black mark, they wouldn’t know next to whose name to put it.”

Discussion Not Arguments!

A difference of opinion doesn’t have to escalate into a disagreement. You
don’t always have to be right. Watch how you couch your words and phrasing.
An aggressive attitude will cause the other person to quite literally ‘clam up.’ It’s
hard to be open when the other person has become verbally aggressive. The
person who feels they must always be right will not find the respect they seek.
This is not the way to win friends and influence people. There are plenty of ways
to say you don’t agree without getting confrontational. You can even agree to
disagree on certain subjects.

You don’t want to be remembered as the argumentative person that
people want to avoid at get-togethers.

The next time you’re invited to a party or other gathering, plan ahead and
make a list of questions you can ask and topics you can discuss. By eliminating
your fear of what to talk about, you’re already ahead of the game. Then take that
risk, step forward, say hello, introduce yourself and ask a question. If the
conversation rolls along well, stay with it. If it dries up, excuse yourself; tell them
you enjoyed meeting them and move on to the next conversation.

When it comes to asking questions, don’t fire one after another at the
person, or you’ll begin to sound more like an interrogator than a
conversationalist. Ask the question, listen carefully for the answer before asking
another question.

Small talk doesn’t need to be difficult or boring, nor do you need to get
hung up talking about the weather all the time. Small talk is just to loosen things
up and make everyone feel a bit more comfortable talking to strangers. If you ask
the right questions, you should get the other person to reveal a little about
themselves and open up the conversation to some more interesting topics than
what the weather is doing and whether or not you need an umbrella in the
morning.

It’s helpful to use Dale Carnegie’s approach to small talk and ask, “Where
are you from?” “How do you like it here?” or “Where did you live before this?” It’s
a good start to get them talking and shows an interest in that other person. In
fact, always make the first topic the other person, something about them. If
they’re new in town, you might offer to show them around, or at least recommend
some good shopping locales or restaurants they might like.

The old adage about not discussing politics or religion might still be a good
one. You might open up a stimulating topic for discussion or you might just open
up a hornet’s nest. You’ll find there are some folks who just love to argue,
especially about politics and religion. Open up this discussion at your own risk. It
might be safer to discuss other less tension-filled subjects. Ask about their jobs,
hobbies or their children, something they’re more likely to be safely passionate
about; in other words, discuss friendlier topics.

Remember that first impressions are important and the conversation you
begin with can have an impact on any future relationship with that person.

That’s the point for all this conversation too. You never know when that
next conversation you start could be the beginning of a brand new friendship.
You and the other person will find just the right topic for conversation and you’re
off and running. That topic leads to another and soon the two of you are having a
wonderful time discussing things that matter to both of you.

After that comes the excitement. You find out more and more about each
other and each of you decides there is definitely something between you that
bears a closer look. Congratulations! You’ve made a new friend. It’s still
important to show a true, sincere interest in your friend’s life; that’s what a friend
does.

Start small, maybe a lunch or a cup of coffee together. This gives you
another opportunity to discuss similar interests and really get to know them. If
you’re both students, you could arrange to study together; you may even have
classes together, another common interest.

If you work together, you might try sharing lunch and a little shopping, or
arrange to meet after work and have dinner together or go to the movies. There
are many venues for the two of you to get to know one another.

If the person happens to be of the opposite sex, this could even be the
start of something romantic. Shy people need love too.

Keep in mind however, that just because you’ve met someone new and
you seem to have much in common, it doesn’t necessarily mean that person is
going to be a close friend. Most of us have a few friends, but only a handful of
truly close friends. By overcoming your shyness to meet new people, you stand a
better chance of making those new friends. The more people you meet, the more
chances you have.

As a shy person, you may have the desire to hang on to this new friend for
dear life; after all, it’s been very difficult for you to meet new people and make
new friends. Try not to be too clingy as this could actually scare the new friend
away. We all bring a certain amount of emotional baggage into any new
relationship, just don’t swamp them right away with all your troubles and woes. A
true friend helps out others with their troubles too. Be cautious of loading a new
friendship up with too much old emotional baggage.

“If you explore beneath shyness or party chit-chat, you can sometimes
turn a dull exchange into an intriguing one. I’ve found this to be particularly true
in the case of professors or intellectuals, who are full of fascinating information,
but need encouragement before they’ll divulge it.” - Joyce Carol Oates