OVERCOME SHYNESS

“The way you overcome shyness is to become so wrapped up in
something that you forget to be afraid.” - Lady Bird Johnson

As a shy person you know how hard it is to step out of your own, shy, little
world and take the risk of rejection, even knowing that it might or might not
happen. But in order to live a full, rich life, you must defeat the fear; in effect, you
must change your whole attitude.

Up to now, as a shy person, you’ve experienced frustration, anger, guilt,
maybe even a bit of self-loathing, for what you perceived to be a weakness in
yourself. That’s part of what you must change. Rid yourself of that frustration,
anger, guilt, and self-hate. In the long run they are useless emotions and just get
in the way of your healing.

You’ve experienced a certain amount of self-centeredness, thanks to your
shyness. Let’s face it, you’ve been too shy even to think of others’ feelings.
You’ve had such a preoccupation in your own self-consciousness, there wasn’t
anything left for others. And the more self-centered you’ve been, the more
intense the shyness you suffered. This is where the change of attitude comes in.
It’s time to put aside the neurotic self-interest and consider the needs of others.

It’s time to move from those withdrawal tendencies and expand your
network of human contacts. It’s time to ‘break the ice’ in social situations and
make new friends.

So, exactly how do you go about expanding your social network? Making
friends is like any other skill; it takes practice. The best way is to start small.
Attending a huge social function is not the way to go; that’s way too intimidating.
You may think you have to go to places like bars to meet someone new. This is
not a good idea. You will most likely only meet very troubled people there.

If you’re a student, try striking up a conversation with other students in
your classes or at the student center. You’ll discover there are a lot of people just
like you, shy people who just want to make some new friends too.

At work, you can start a conversation with some of your associates. If
you’ve been avoiding that water cooler crowd, maybe it’s time to make a change
there too. A simple question could start a very interesting discussion and help
you get to know your office mates, and more importantly, let them get to know
the real you.

Show an interest in your friends and invite them out for a little fun. Talk
about what’s of interest to them and show them you care. A little research should
give you plenty to talk about. Make your home a warm, welcoming place for
others and invite friends to visit. Have a little dinner party, but keep the guest list
small at first.

The next time you’re at a social gathering, seek out other shy persons and
try drawing them out, making them feel comfortable. Let them know they are
valuable and worthy; show them the kindness you’ve always sought.

There are opportunities for interpersonal relationships everywhere you
look and you can find many ways to help other shy people. You’ll discover the
best way to pull yourself out of the trap of shyness is to help someone else with
the same problem. Helping others will help you too.

You need to develop some pride in yourself and your accomplishments.
When you defeat the fear of disapproval and start to expect more from life, you’ll
start to feel worthy of recognition and respect.

The shy person desperately needs to be proud of something, but you don’t
have to be a scientist or an inventor to feel pride in achievement. Doing
something well, anything at all, is enough to generate pride. Perhaps you are
known as a fine cook, or a graceful dancer, or you might do marvelous work with
your hands as an artisan. Any of these things are worthy of recognition and pride.

Whether your shyness has a biological basis or is a learned response, it’s
still within your ability to change. You’re not fated to be always shy and
withdrawn. So, the first thing you must learn to do is not to blame yourself, for
any perceived weakness or failure. It won’t help to wallow in self-pity, nor should
you simply blame your parents or upbringing. Shyness is not a result of anything
you did as a child. Shyness is just a reaction to new, different situations.

Now let’s try a simple exercise. Try visualizing a scary situation, one that
you would normally avoid at any cost. Pretend for a moment that a friend has
talked you into attending a party where he/she will be the only person there that
you know. For the truly shy person, that is pretty scary. Picture it in detail. Your
friend walks in with you, introduces you to someone at the door, then wanders
away and leaves you on your own with a total stranger.

Do you feel anxious just contemplating the scenario? Now figure out stepby-
step exactly what you need to do and say in preparation for that same
situation. What would be the appropriate actions you should take? Picture
yourself saying and doing all the right things, interacting and feeling comfortable
about it. Visualize yourself shaking hands with the strangers at the party and
introducing yourself. Someone asks what you do for a living and you answer
briefly, succinctly, then turn the question back to them. Most people love to talk
about themselves; you just have to give them the chance to open up.

Now imagine how it would go if you were no longer fearful about
interacting with others. If you can see yourself doing it comfortably, feeling good
about it, you can accomplish it. With the right visualization and preparation, you
can handle what would have been an anxiety-provoking scenario.

Part of the reason you feel uncomfortable in social situations, is because
you’re afraid you won’t behave properly or know what to say. Preparation takes
all the guesswork out of the equation. It allows you to prepare mentally for the
occasion.

Visualization is one of the best ways of overcoming shyness. If you can
see yourself doing something, you’re half way to actually doing it. Remember,
your thoughts are powerful and can create a different world.

Whatever scenario makes you nervous, let your imagination go ahead of
you and practice. By the time you actually experience it, it won’t feel strange or
unfamiliar anymore.

Once you’ve practiced it in your head for a while, it’s time to try it in the
real world. Pick something small at first, something as non-threatening as
possible. Try a simple conversation with a classmate or work associate.
Remember what you’ve rehearsed and just go for it. If conversation is difficult for
you, pick a simple topic, something you know a bit about, so you’ll feel more
comfortable. Speak slowly and deliberately. Try not to fidget with your hands; and
for Heaven’s sake, smile at the other person. People always seem less
intimidating if you can get them to smile.

If you’re worried about messing up and feeling foolish, try a simple
conversation with a sales person at a store. The less worried you are about
making a good impression, the more likely you are to do well. You may very well
never see this person again anyway.

Remember that each success you experience sets the stage for the next
encounter, and the next, etc. Each success will make you feel good about
yourself and encouraged, so you want to take the next step, try something new.
The more often you get out there and experience new situations, the better you’ll
feel and the more you’ll want to get out the next time.

The first time or two you do this you may catch yourself remembering a
discouraging event in your past, a time when things didn’t go so well for you and
you were embarrassed and uncomfortable. That was then; this is now. Discard
that discouraging thought, push it to one side, and shut the door on it. This is the
new you, so don’t let old experiences unduly influence you now.

Allow yourself some time to work on this visualization exercise; it will take
some practice and lots of work, but it’s well worth it. Don’t expect to feel different
about everything overnight. Remember, take baby steps and encourage yourself
with each step forward.

It’s possible to learn how to be a great socializer. The way to do that is to
make other people feel comfortable and interesting; and you do that by really
listening to them, really being interested in what they have to say. Stop focusing
on what you’ll say next and just listen to them. That’s the key to overcoming
shyness; think about someone else instead of yourself. Believe me it really
works!

You don’t have to try and be the life of the party.
Let other people talk and
listen to them carefully and they’ll think you’re great to have around. Ask them a
question about themselves and then let them go. Look them in the eye and nod
now and then. Whatever you do, don’t glance at your watch. That will make them
feel like they’re keeping you from something else. Be a good listener.

One of the best ways to help you come out of your shell is to help
someone else come out of theirs. If you see someone at a gathering that looks
miserably shy, walk over, shake their hand, introduce yourself and make him feel
comfortable. You’ll help him and yourself as well.

Desensitization

Desensitization is a way of reducing or perhaps even eliminating a
person’s negative reaction to a given circumstance or scenario. This has been
used to treat a great many phobias and is being used to help shy individuals
learn to handle whatever social gathering they fear and try to avoid. Pretending a
situation doesn’t exist is useless, but teaching a shy person how to co-exist with
the non-shy population is a great step forward.

The idea here is to bring the shy person gradually into contact with the
outside world, in a safe, comfortable non-threatening way. In systematic
desensitization, a therapist guides the shy person step-by-step, from simple
tasks that have caused him fear and anxiety to larger gatherings. Simply put, by
giving him the tools and strategies to handle the situations, and then exposing
him gradually to the same situations he’s been avoiding so rigorously, the shy
person learns to handle even unfamiliar situations. Any fear or phobia is actually
based on the person’s fear of losing control. The therapist guides the shy person
and shows him how to control the situations he fears the most.

Meditation is often used to help the patient remain calm, instead of letting
the fear build up until it reaches panic point. For the intensely shy or socially
anxious, breathing becomes a problem when feeling upset or threatened. The
therapist can teach the shy person helpful breathing exercises to use when he
feels these emotions. Visualization can be used along with systematic
desensitization to help the shy person learn to control the situations he fears.

Part of the systematic desensitization process is introducing the patient to
the feared scenario, a little at a time, and letting him use the tools and strategies
he has learned to get through the event. Positive reinforcement is also part of the
strategy. They are exposed to the fear and showed that they can get through it

and survive. The therapist points out how well he did, encouraging him to feel
more positive about himself. Each exposure to the fear gives the shy person the
positive reinforcement to feel encouraged to get through the next time and the
next, etc.

Medication

For those with more serious shyness issues, it may be necessary to take
medication to alleviate the social anxiety they feel all the time. The most popular
antidepressant is Prozac, containing selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors. It
boosts brain levels of serotonin, which regulates moods. Others on the market
right now are Zoloft, Effexor and Paxil. It’s strictly up to your doctor when it
comes to this kind of therapy. Each person’s body chemistry is different and must
treat their shyness differently. If you feel your shyness is becoming a hindrance
to the daily healthy functioning of your life, talk to your doctor.

Keep in mind that any medication can have side effects such as upset
stomach, insomnia, dizziness, drowsiness, headaches, or can even make you
more anxious than ever. Medications can work for a while and suddenly stop
helping. And there’s a limit to how much they can help. Then there’s the cost of
most medications.

Many have tried meditation, desensitization or visualization and found
them sufficient for their needs. Each person must decide for himself and with his
doctor the best method of controlling shyness or social anxiety.

Neuro-Linguistic Programming

NLP is a type of self-help technique that can help you change the way you
think about things. It was developed by Richard Bandler and John Grinder and
uses vivid imagery. Using the principle of modeling, it might mean having the shy
person watch the outgoing people they admire and observe carefully how they
handle social occasions, make conversation, joke and kid around with others,
how they smile and use their body language.