ARE YOU SHY?

“Many great ideas have been lost because the people who had them
could not stand being laughed at.” - Author Unknown

Psychologist Jonathan Creek of Wellesley College says that “situational
shyness, such as feeling shy around a new co-worker or person of the opposite
sex to whom we’re attracted to, can help to facilitate cooperative living; it inhibits
behaviors that are socially unacceptable.” In this case, shyness can be a good
thing; it prevents us from making fools of ourselves, or from hurting others’
feelings.

Some people like to get to know others more by observation than
interaction, but they’re happy that way. For the shy person, the desire to interact
is at war with their desire to remain isolated. They want to be successful in social
situations, but are afraid they simply can’t handle all that entails. They desire
acceptance, but at the same time are afraid of being judged by others. This
creates such conflict they may become frozen, and unable to move in any
direction.

Are you afraid to take a risk? Perhaps you always anticipate the worst and
fearing the outcome; you avoid the pain by avoiding the situation altogether. It
could be simply fear of the unknown. Sometimes a single bad experience can
grow into a habit as you continue to choose to flee or avoid any situation in which
you feel uncertain.

Many doctors who work with shy people describe them as being selfcentered,
more preoccupied with what kind of impression they’re making to care
about anyone but himself or herself. They are so worried about what others will
think of them that they are incapable of concern about the welfare of others.

Those plagued by shyness may be seen as less than friendly by others,
maybe a bit standoffish, even cold in some circumstances. It’s evident that
compared to other people, they are not as assertive, due to their quiet nature in
some settings. On the whole, they are certainly not viewed as negatively as they
might fear. Because they are shy, they are definitely more sensitive to negative
feedback than the average person is. They probably even see themselves in a
more negative than positive light.

Because of this worry, their thoughts and strengths are limited to a very
small circle of people; they are in fact only limited by their own thoughts and
emotions. They constantly think that others are slighting them, insulting them, or
attacking them in some way.

The shy person can actually handicap themselves with negative thoughts
and wind up using their shyness as a crutch and an excuse for not pursuing more
social occasions, “I can’t handle these kinds of situations because I’m so shy.” Of
course the more they tell themselves things like this, the harder it becomes to
socialize, make friends, and establish relationships, both personal andprofessional.
It becomes a self-defeating behavior.

This kind of self-defeating behavior leads to more and more avoidance of
any or all social encounters, until they become frozen in fear and completely
unable to function in normal social circumstances. They quite literally lose hope
in their own ability to function normally in these circumstances, so they quit
trying.

Today’s modern technology is aiding and abetting many shy people.
Thanks to this technology, there is sometimes no need to interact with other
humans at all. Everything from bank ATMs to sending text messages on cell
phones enables the shy person to avoid interaction with anything but machines.
It’s less intimidating to send an email than it is to pick up a telephone and speak
to a live person. More and more nowadays, it’s unnecessary to deal directly with
other people. An example of this avoidance is a movie entitled, “The Net,” where
a young woman deals with others via only her computer; she even orders a pizza
and pays for it over the internet.

Another complication to social interaction may be the job itself. As more
and more companies downsize, creating more work for fewer employees, the
workload produced means less and less time for social interaction. The
employees have less free time to spend with family and existing friends, let alone
making new friends. Those who have found themselves a victim of downsizing
may well experience the depression that goes along with job loss. The worse the
depression, the less willing they are to interact with others; soon, they’re avoiding
all social interaction.

This creates a domino effect, making it that much harder for them to
function and find more work. Their self-confidence may be tied up with whatever
they do for a living. Losing that job causes a loss of self-esteem that many
people can’t handle. They go into seclusion, isolating themselves to their own
detriment.

The fact that you’ve purchased this report means that either you’re shy
yourself, or you know someone who is shy and you want to help them. It’s
important to remember that being shy is not the real you; you’re so much more
than just shy. You are sensitive, caring, and compassionate; so don’t allow
yourself to be labeled merely shy. Shyness may be limiting your personal
freedom, peace of mind, and the ability to express yourself, but is only a part of
who you really are.

Rather than dwell on the negative part of being shy, try seeing yourself in
a more positive way. Shy people are less likely to gossip or brag; they are
generally not overbearing or pushy, and definitely not aggressive or antagonistic.
Once the shy person makes a friend, they are very loyal and dependable. They
are more discreet than the more outgoing kind of personality. They tend to be
much less controlling in most circumstances, and very willing to let others do
what they want.

Let’s face it, some people are born talkers who can get along with just
about anyone and everyone, and some people are not. More evidence is
showing shyness to be an inborn trait or distinguishing quality. Shy people have
difficulty making conversation and become very nervous when they feel they
have to be congenial with strangers; they simply do not know what to say.

So, ask yourself these questions:

• Does the thought of meeting new people make you uneasy?

• Do you find it a struggle to come up with something to say to new
acquaintances?

• Do you sometimes become tongue-tied around strangers?

• Do you avoid social gatherings where you’re certain to get left on your
own?

• Do you have trouble speaking in large groups?

• Do you have trouble making eye contact when meeting someone new?

• Do you find it difficult to make new friends?

• Does talking to a member of the opposite sex make you nervous?

• Is dating nerve wracking to you?

• Are you at a loss for a retort when someone makes a wisecrack at your
expense?

• When people take advantage of you, do you find it difficult to be assertive
with them?

• Do you have trouble saying no to people?

• Do you fail to take compliments graciously?

• Do you have a tendency to chatter when you’re nervous and feel it’s better
to be silent?

Most shy people wouldn’t choose this as a way of living their life; they’d
prefer to be more outgoing, to be talkative and comfortable wherever they
happen to be. Awkwardness in the company of others is embarrassing and
makes them want to run and hide. This is what drives the shy person into
solitude. Unlike the introvert who prefers their solitude, the shy person is forced
into it.

You can also determine whether your shyness is a case of nature or
nurture. Was either of your parents shy? That would mean your genetic makeup
could be the problem. Or were you a happy, outgoing child whose personality
was abused by parents or teachers or other students during your growing up
years? Either way, you can relearn what you need to become a fully functioning
person once again. You needn’t live in isolation forever.

Many times some traumatic event can propel you into a shyness you
never before experienced. Being physically attacked can cause anyone to
become shy and hesitant, fearful of a repeat of the horrible event. Even those
who were once outgoing and gregarious can become fearful and untrusting.
Some even retire to the supposed safety of their homes, reluctant to emerge
unless absolutely required to do so.

Why does your mind continue to hang on to these unpleasant events?
That’s because your brain, with all the information pouring through it every day,
pays particular attention to the experiences that cause the most emotional
response. That’s why you remember the most emotional times in your life. Your
brain actually creates a link between the experience and the emotional response
to that experience. From there on, the same stimuli will automatically produce the
same emotional response, whether it’s painful and unpleasant, or happy and fun.

An example used by scientists is that of Pavlov, who noticed that whenever
he fed his dog, the animal began to salivate. He began ringing a bell each
time he fed the dog and noticed that simply ringing the bell caused the dog
to salivate, even if no food was forthcoming. This is called conditioning and can
happen to any of us.

Through this conditioning, your brain will cause you to seek out
experiences that you find pleasurable and avoid those that you find
uncomfortable. Your beliefs will then back up this conditioning, reminding you
each time you try something new, of past reactions, of consequences of past
actions in your life.

You may have certain goals in mind and the determination to try and
change your life for the better, but your brain continues to remind you of past
experiences and reactions, making it more difficult to try something new. Don’t let
that stop you; however, a change is not only possible but also desirable if you are
to live a life of freedom and peace of mind.

Trouble is, you can be your own worst enemy when it comes to your
shyness. You have a tendency to relive any failures and/or rejections, to continue
to remind yourself with each new experience. Your self-talk could probably use
an adjustment, because any time you beat yourself up over a failure, or tell
yourself you’ll never be able to handle it or change things, or give in to a pity
party, you’re setting yourself back once again. Unfortunately, you’re reinforcing
the problem instead of your own self-esteem, and in the process making things
worse for yourself.

Now, before you start beating yourself up, stop and think about it. It’s
perfectly natural and normal and we all do it, but it’s very negative and decidedly
unhealthy for you right now. Starting right this minute, tell yourself to stop
dwelling on past events, push them away, and find something to distract yourself.

There may also be people in your life who constantly remind you of your
past failures, who always bring up the unpleasant facts and make you feel bad
about yourself, when it’s not necessary. They may think they’re only trying to help
you see yourself honestly, but it’s not helpful and you may want to avoid them.
Constantly reminding you of your shortcomings, especially in social situations, is
not helpful and can be harmful.

They may begin by asking you what seems to them to be perfectly
harmless questions like, “So, why aren’t you dating? Don’t people like you? Are
you being too shy?” Then they start telling you how you should change. Derisive
questions like, “Why don’t you do something about your hair? Is that what you’re
going to wear?” are not helpful and only aid in beating down what little selfesteem
you might still possess.

Be honest but positive about yourself. What about you is interesting? And
before you say nothing, think about it; everybody has something interesting about
himself or herself. Try asking your friends what they like about you. Everyone has
something about which he/she is extremely proud - some accomplishment, some
skill, or some talent. What’s yours?

Then ask yourself honestly, without being self-deprecating, what it is about
you that you would want to change. How would you go about changing it?

Take a look at yourself in the mirror. Are you frowning? Are your shoulders
drooping? Do you look all hunched over? This is the look of depression and
unhappiness. When you’re feeling happy, you’ll smile, stand up straight, and look
people in the eye.

Try it right now. Stand up straight and tall, smile at yourself in the mirror,
and look yourself right in the eye. Tell yourself this is how it needs to be. But be
gentle with yourself. Think about the positive steps that you can take to be happy
and confident all the time. Instead of reminding yourself of what you aren’t, try
telling yourself all the good things that you are.

Do this each time you’re about to go out and meet new people, go to a
party, attend a new class, etc. Build yourself up before you leave; talk to yourself
and make sure you believe what you’re saying. Watch that self-talk! You wouldn’t
talk in a mean, uncaring way to a friend, so don’t talk to yourself that way either.

You may find it necessary to change your belief system. How you think
about your life, determines how you will live your life. Ask yourself what you’re
really afraid of. Are you afraid of messing up, or being hurt, of being embarrassed
or are you afraid of what others might think of you? Unfortunately, these things
will happen on occasion. If you are constantly thinking about these kinds of
things, it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy. You will think them into being. It’s
a well-known fact that you will literally draw to you what you constantly think
about. Don’t let it be fears and concerns.

You might find that you’re overly sensitive and emotional, feeling that
others are making fun of you, or being rude and insulting. Do you find yourself
feeling irritable towards others, finding fault with everything they do? Do you find
yourself suspicious of others’ motives, imagining misdeeds where there really are
none? This is indicative of a greater problem and should be explored.

One of the biggest clues to your own shyness might be in demanding
perfection from others, when you feel you’re not achieving it in yourself. You
probably are very demanding of yourself, expecting much more than you can
possibly deliver. You possess so much self-doubt, that it literally laps over onto
other people.

Shy people find different ways to deal with their problems, none of which
work, I might add. They either:

• Become aggressive with everybody to the point of being obnoxious. Here
they overcompensate for what they fear will not work and going
completely overboard to prove they’re not afraid. To quote Shakespeare,
they protest too much.

• Become submissive to the point of being taken advantage of at every turn.
This usually occurs in the very young, where they are molded by approval
or disapproval-of parents, teachers and other authority figures. Too much
disapproval and the young person will have self-esteem issues. They can
grow up afraid and unprepared to handle the world, possibly even unable
to think for themselves. Even making friends becomes difficult. In the case
of the submissive shy person, anger can build within them.

They try to block the anger or suppress it, to the detriment of their mental and
physical health. This is because the anger that is blocked or suppressed gets
turned inward. This anger can then lead to guilt, which in turn leads to self
loathing. The submissive shy person then becomes afraid that others will learn
their secret thoughts and reject them.

• Withdraw from everything, with the intention being to avoid pain and
unpleasantness. This is the most serious and potentially harmful of the
reactions. Instead of becoming aggressive or submissive, the shy person
simply withdraws; they literally shun the world and everyone in it. They
never join in anything, but avoid contact, preferring their own solitary
company to any group activities. In the worse case, this can become
absolute rejection of the world. Paul Gelinas said, “We need the world,
people around us, to develop and to maintain our sense of identity. The
overly shy person denies himself the source of human growth by not
sharing himself with other people.”

It’s said that “no man is an island.” Throughout history, man has
needed the cooperation of others to insure survival of the species;
humans banded together for the good of all. Man still requires that
banding together, but instead of it being a need for survival, it’s become a
psychological need.

Shy people may claim to be self-sufficient, with no need for others;
they tend to be loners, not daring to risk rejection. They must break out of
their voluntary isolation, stop the tendency to withdraw, and break the
habit of shying away from others. Primitive man feared physical harm and
withdrew. Shy people also perceive the world as hostile and threatening,
and withdraw out of fear.

• Become quite ill. This can be psychosomatic at first, which can then turn
into real physical illness, brought on by stress. In the very young, it can
manifest itself as speech impediments such as stuttering, or lisping. There
have even been cases of the shy person developing asthma, hay fever, or
ulcers.

Experts agree that you can change any aspect of your personality; you
just need the right tools. Maybe you’ve tried to undo the shyness, but to no avail.
It’s not impossible to change. Every day, what you think changes some part of
your world. This report will help you find those tools to change that aspect of your
personality. It won’t happen overnight, but change is possible. Shy feelings do
not have to keep you from pursuing and attaining personal and professional
goals.

Aaron Beck, psychiatrist at the University of Pennsylvania Medical School
states that shyness is based on fear of being judged negatively, on the belief that
it is shameful to appear anxious in front of other people. There is nothing
shameful about being shy, it is what it is. It’s the fear that makes people want to
run and hide.

You may feel it’s too hard to step out of your own, shy little world and take
the risk of rejection. It might or might not happen, but keeping yourself in isolation
will not save you from that rejection and will eventually cost you more of the good
things in life. By staying all alone and avoiding others, you’re also avoiding those
good things that can come your way, like love and joy, success andaccomplishment.
Just a little courage can begin to change your whole future.

Many well known people have been shy. Abraham Lincoln was shy, yet he
became the sixteenth President of the United States and brought USA through a
civil war. Theodore Roosevelt was shy, yet led the Rough Riders and became
USA’s twenty-sixth president. Thomas Jefferson wrote the Declaration of
Independence and became the third President of the United States. Due to his
shyness, the only time he ever spoke publicly was at his inauguration. Any other
communication was always done in writing.

Many of today’s popular celebrities also suffer from shyness, including
Brad Pitt, Cher, David Letterman, Kevin Costner, and Tom Cruise. Al Pacino
once said, “My first language was shy. It’s only by having been thrust into the
limelight that I have learned to cope with my shyness.” Another big star, Johnny
Depp, said, “I’m shy, paranoid, whatever word you want to use. I hate fame. I’ve
done everything I can to avoid it.” Even the late Lucille Ball, when asked if she
had always been outgoing, replied, “Heavens no, I was shy for several years in
my early days in Hollywood until I figured out that no one really gave a damn if I
was shy or not, and I got over my shyness.”

If you’re one of the shy people, you’re in good company.